Moose Appreciation Day Report

Moose Appreciation Day 2009 took place in Kansas City where the Bills defeated the Chiefs. The theme for the trip: What!?!, What!?! (Picture this said by Tony, decked out in Bills gear, as he approaches a group of Chiefs fans.)

Saturday night we had the honor of being Moose's posse and going for barbeque at Jack What's His Face. During dinner I learned that these fellows have been holding back. See it turns out a lot of them have been reading interesting books and watching great films without sharing with their friends. I hereby censure all of you for not posting said cool stuff on The Provonian. After dinner we dropped Moose back at his hotel and went out to feast on the cinematic ambrosia that is 2012. Fortunately, the attendance was sparse so we could audibly mock the over-the-top action sequences and crappy plot/writing. Ahh! I'm flying through a chasm and a subway train just went over my head!!!!

Here's one view inside Arrowhead with the back of D'Haenans' head. Jed took A LOT of pictures with his professional camera and hopefully some of those will surface.



Moose and the O-line take the field for warm ups (Kirk=#73). Whoa, my friend is actually playing in the NFL--with T.O.!!!!! Moose started and played every offensive series. He made the fellas proud.



After the game we all went around the back of the stadium to the buses. Since Kevin is family we all got to go in and hang out with Kirk. After high-fiving Fred Jackson, TO and Marshawn Lynch we posed for this glorious, and likely historically significant, group photo.


After the game it was pizza at Minsky's (dang good pizza I might add) and then I had to scoot back home since I was teaching a class the next morning. Any subsequent exploits will have to be chronicled by others. It was really fun to get together with a fine group of guys most of whom I've known since early elementary school.

Sweet Land

Has anyone else seen this film? I loved it. It seems like something Brandie would like since he's into Minnesota. (Pastor Inqvist anyone?)



Things to like about this film:
1. A good period piece (for my non-discriminating tastes). I like the early 20th century farming. Super hard work but so appealing to me for some reason.

2. It's a quiet, understated love story. The lead couple overcome challenges and make their marriage work. Some things I find admirable about their relationship and consider good ingredients for most marriages: being poor together in their early marriage, avoiding sexual relations until they are married, and overcoming cultural differences to forge their own family culture.

3. I like the supporting actors and the soundtrack.

Check Out This Weak Dodge

I was entertained by this bit on NPR the other day. Scott Simon asked Maria Otero, Undersecretary of State for Democracy and Global Affairs, how it is possible to reach CO2 emissions targets (80% reduction in 40 years) without embracing nuclear energy. She completely dodges the question. Give it a listen or read the transcript on the link. He repeats the question two more times but is unable to squeeze a direct answer out of her as she keeps spouting environmentally friendly buzz words. The administration needs to put up or shut up. If carbon emissions are going to destroy the planet then it is intellectually dishonest to not make a major push for nuclear energy--even if it means offending some of your environmentalist supporters. Wind, solar and energy efficiency alone will not get it done. Period. The enlightened French have embraced nuclear in a big way and you won't convince me that Americans care about the environment more than Europeans. Oh, and props to NPR for actually asking tough questions.

Commodites, Competition, and In - N - Out Burger.

UPDATE: Went to the In - N - Out on University Pkwy today. It's like Disneyland, huge line and nothing but smiles everywhere I looked. I can honestly say that I've never seen so many people be so excited in Orem before.

Got the double double with grilled onions, way good, pretty cheap. Awesome.

It was about 30 minutes from the time I got in line to the time I got my food, but it went by pretty fast. From what I could see there were 800 workers there, all smiles in their cute little unis.

I really do appreciate In - N - Out's devotion to customer service. Usually at a fast food joints some dead-eyed teenage worker gives me the figurative bird as I order. it was nice seeing employees who actively care about satisfying customers, and who seem to give a crap about their jobs.

And now, back to the original post...

Ladies and Gentlemen, let's give it up for Chadder's!

For all of you outside of Utah, let me give you the scoop.

In 2007 a place called 'Chadder's' opened in American Fork. I remember going in there with my friend Will and both of us being a bit uneased by the how much of a In - N - Out burger rip off the place was. Just stunning in its rip-off-ness.

We ate, we weren't real impressed, but hey, some dude making his place like In - N - Out because In - N - Out wouldn't come to northern Utah (they think they're so big). A second Chadder's opened in Provo earlier this year (in what use to be Hogi Yogi on 9th).

Apparently their was a lawsuit brought and settled that same year, Chadder's could still exist if they changed the names of their some of their menu items (I hadn't realized they ripped those off as well) and they voluntarily added a color to their design.

Later, officials from Draper approached In -N - Out officials in California and asked them to come to Draper. From there, and this is a pure rumour, since they were coming northern Utah they might as well open stores in American Fork and Orem to shut down those dirty Chadder's guys.

So, finally, after years and years of Utah residents eagerly awaiting for this beloved burger chain to grace us with their presence, they finally are coming to foil an adversary.

Part of me is thrilled, they're opening soon (in the parking lot of the Barnes and Noble, kitty corner from University Mall) and I'll probably go sometime next week to check it out.

The other part of me is just a bit annoyed. Seriously? It took some guy ripping you off to come here? You're coming to shut some business down? Why didn't you come just because, oh, I don't know, 700,000 people were dying for you to come to here! Why did they even give Chadder's a chance to open?

Another part of me is a bit remorseful for all the places that business will be hurt by their opening. Yeah yeah... (semi) free market economy and all that. I'm not so sad about any McDonalds or Burger Kings that lose business, and that new Five Guys (which I kinda love) will be fine, but what about the Mom & Pop places (there's a place called 'Stumpy Burger' on center street, and a place called 'Sammys' on 1st W. that are bound to take a BIG hit) that can't hack it? I realize that business is business, but I still have a twinge of regret for the jobs and money lost by those businesses.

So, if you have a second, drop a thank you card to Chadder's for cheesing off the In - N - Out suits enough to finally come here, and maybe I can get over my issues enough to box out the 10,000 nineteen year olds, order my double-double with grilled onions, push an old person out of their table and taste the commodified burgery goodness. Don't worry Mom & Pop joints, my heart will be with you while my money is In - N - Out.

The Wisdom of the French Minister

I had to laugh at this article about disappointed French "youths" gone a-rioting after a company's publicity stunt of tossing envelopes of cash from a bus was called off because of security concerns. I put the word "youths" in quotation marks because a lot of the public disorder in urban France seems to be perpetrated by youths of a particular religious bent that media outlets are loath to specify. At any rate, here's the best paragraph from the article.

This kind of behavior by companies horrifies me," [Budget Minister] Woerth told Radio J. "They've done this in the United States but that's no reason to do it in France.

See, it's not our rioting, unruly populace that's the problem. It's the greedy and unprincipled, French capitalists who are mimicking the even more offensively greedy and unprincipled American capitalists!

The second feature of this article that is instructive is the length that folks will go for something that is "free." Free stuff is great and all--I mean I did adapt a Mike Meyers beat poem to that theme--but it comes at a price of time and association with the unwashed masses. Envelopes of free cash?! Sure, I'll hang out with thousands of restive youths and risk being trampled for a shot at a fluttering stimulus package. Since Minister Woerth naively associates this basic human foible with our nation maybe it is time we recognize "free-dumb" as the other great American export.

Holmestead II

The chicken flock. We have 5 hens and 21 young roosters running around the backyard. I believe the hen in the center is an australorp. We picked three of these up at the Amish fowl auction. One is a good layer but I'm not so sure about the other two. They may become chicken noodle soup if I don't see more evidence of ovulation. Between the three australorps and two plymouth barred rock pullets we have all the eggs we need and Jane uses the extras to help "pay" for her piano lessons. In the background you can see a few of our future suppers. About half are plymouth barred rock and the other half might be buff orpingtons (do they look like buff orpingtons to you Carly?).


Here's our first home grown chicken dinner. He had a broken leg from where a predator that got in last week took a chomp on him so it was time to put him to good use. (I am now packing heat and waiting for the varmit to return. It's probably time to invest in a good trap.) At any rate he tasted pretty good!


The electric co-op cleared out brush and trees along our power line. I asked them to leave the wood chips and bring us as much as they can from other jobs in the area. I've got six big piles and hope more is on the way. This stuff will be great because our soil is very sandy (my one complaint about our place). Adding loads of organic matter to the soil will help it hold onto water and nutrients that would otherwise seep right out. I will use it for our plants and as bedding for future Holmestead livestock.


On Tuesday I was able to fill up my pickup with spilled corn from one of my colleague's corn fields. I scooped it all from a few spilled piles where they had loaded after harvest. This was easily 700-800 lbs. The kids had a blast playing in it. Now I just need something to crack it with.


Hey big pile of junk from previous owners: you just got a BURN NOTICE!

Veterans Day

Do any of you have veterans in your family? My Dad was fortunate in getting deferrals for the drafts in the Vietnam war. One of his best friends from Teton Valley died in Vietnam. My grandfather would have attended the naval academy in Annapolis but was rejected because of color blindness.

I've had two active duty students who were injured in Iraq. One had shrapnel in his leg from an IED that exploded near his vehicle. The other has been shot twice and turned down the purple heart because he says it gets awarded for trivial injuries. Our former bishop is currently in Afghanistan working on developing agricultural alternatives to the poppy crops for opium. His vehicle drove over an IED which failed to detonate.

Here is a link to the Veterans History Project. Go check out some of the stories. If you find one you like please refer us to it. The stories of our veterans create a lot of complex emotions for me. I admire their bravery and courage. I hope for a day when we will no longer study war.

This, my friends, is a roll of Benjamins big enough to choke a horse:


To clarify, Mikey once said something about wanting a wad of money big enough to choke a horse...this picture brought back that memory. I found it while putting together a power point for a class about pricing strategies. I searched the power point clip art for money and this is what I got. I informed my class that this picture represented how much money it would take to choke a horse. They appreciate such street smart gems of knowledge.

Macbeth Nov. 10th

World Premiere, baby! Tower Theatre, SLC, Nov. 10th, 7:00pm

BYU @ SDSU 2009

All Hail the Kings!

Here's a new one from Kings of Convenience. I got so excited when I saw it I almost peed my pants.



Album drops Oct. 20, suckers.

BYU @ UNLV Highlights for Non-Utahns

What the Peace Prize?

Love Obama or not, you (and Moose) will enjoy this take on his receiving the Nobel Peace Prize.

Top 10 Things Most Likely To Happen To Moose

10. Beating Mr. T in a 100 yard Dash
9. Winning the Heisman
8. Sacking Peyton Manning
7. Eating a Hot Dog
6. Defending Small People
5. Being Called Moose
4. Dishing Out Posterizing Pancake Blocks
3. Being Named The Greatest Athlete Ever To Be Called Moose By ESPN and/or This Blog
2. Snapping Basketball Standards in Half (with his mind!)
1. Starting His Own Professional Catfish Noodling Service

Stuff Like This Would Not Happen to Moose

Hilarious. Why doesn't stuff like this happen in Kansas?

100 Yard Dash: Dr. Holmes vs. Biology I

I was chatting with some of my lab students today about football. I mentioned in passing that I would enjoy playing intramural flag football if I had the time. "You guys would probably think it was cool to have Holmes on your team. I could be free safety or something," I said. "I wouldn't want my team depending on you," replied student X. "Would you put me on the line?" "Probably. How fast are you?" "I'm probably faster than you are." From there it was on. I will be racing this student and anyone else in the class who wants in this Thursday at noon. 100 meters on the track. I'll try to get some photo documentation and post it. I know some of the guys in the class will probably beat me, but as long as I beat student X it will be a glorious victory. He was talking smack the rest of class so I'm looking forward to it.

Update: Student X didn't show up to class today so the race is postponed until Tuesday--assuming he hasn't skipped town. It's probably for the best since it is raining here.

Update 2 (10/16): I smoked Student X yesterday by a couple of meters. Boom!

Not Moose, but Kirk, nonetheless

This tickles me in all the right places. And it's much the way I feel about our own Captain Kirk.

Pokemon Mitosis!

I showed this totally sweet Pokemon mitosis video to my class today.



You can all thank me in the comments for keeping you up to date on your biology. (Moose likes biology so this counts as a post about Moose.)

Why Won't My Fantasy Football League Let Me Draft Moose?!?

Not to toot my own horn--I mean what does that have to do with the price of tea in China?--but I am having a decent run at fantasy football. Sure other dudes might know more about football but who is better at the cool, rational, scientific approach necessary to really master fantasy football than the guy with the science PhD? Sorry theater and film dudes, you don't have a prayer.

Anyway, this blog is about Moose, not me and my defending champion Goshen Grommets (champs last year and 2-1 so far this year, boom!). Time for my rant! Why can't I draft Moose? Why doesn't fantasy football acknowledge the most important part of football--the big heavies on the O-line?!? The prissy skill position players get all the glory and even kickers get drafted! At least the defensive players count for something but I can't remain silent while the O-line continues to get snubbed. I mean even if he doesn't score "points" or get "yardage" I should still be able to draft Moose. I would gladly take a weekly goose egg on the score sheet if it meant Moose could have a spot on my roster.

What should we do? Start a Facebook group: FFL's without O-linemen are weak!!!! Boycott ESPN's FFL? (Doh, it's free!) Maybe a letter campaign. Put any ideas for how we can rectify this systematic wrong in the comments.

I'm Flattered

Great one guys. I have now finally made it. All of the hours spent in the weight room and sleeping in a hyperbolic chamber for the last nine years have paid off. At least six people remember that there was once a guy from Provo High (Go Bulldogs 6-1) that is still out there somewhere playing football for a living. Yes, he may be slightly balding and 30 years old, but he's still somehow affiliated with a team. Holmes, this is what I get for not commenting enough on the Provonian, right? Jed, you are not the first one to impersonate me on Twitter. Just two weeks ago a teammate told me that I had been sending him messages on Twitter, to which I replied, "I'm not on Twitter." It took me a little time and a few phone calls with my lawyer, but I did have that account terminated, not because I felt my identity had been stolen, but because the impersonated messages were lame. Jed, I would have let your messages fly. We may have to work out a deal where you "tweet" for me on a regular basis. You guys made my day. See you all in December.

Moose Appreciation Day (12/13/09)

For all who are interested:

Tailgating begins: when I get home from work (12/12/09)

Caravan leaves for Kansas City Arrowhead Stadium: 6 am sharp!

Kick off: 12 pm

Flights now available to Omaha, NE

Accommodations: My house is open*

*1st to confirm gets the downstairs futon, 2nd can share the futon with the first. All the rest get to share the plush carpet.

Moose on Twitter

I don't know about you, but I've been following Moose on Twitter for some time now. For those medieval hacks out there who haven't yet caught the twitter wave, surf's up! Below, I'm posting a handful of my faves for posterity.

10:31 AM May 12 from web
lats are screaming for relief, must ignore them. 13 sets to go.

5:18 PM June 13 from web
dude, what's up with network television programming? is it may already?

12:22 PM June 15 from tweetdeck
raw meat for lunch again. we're all just trying to impress T.O.

7:47 AM August 13
exfoliating.

8:45 PM September 12 from tweetie
shopping for jed's birthday again. can't get jayne to commit to his current waist size. inseam is 30, the rest is a mystery.

2:34 AM September 21 from web
can't sleep and no one is online on FB. WTH?

12:05 AM September 24 from tweetie
happy birthday jed. you were always my favorite of all those losers i used to know in provo. remember when we almost kissed?

5:48 PM October 1
woah. what happened to the provonian?

Moose Changed my Life

In my never ending quest to post high quality Moose related content on this Moose Fan Website I decided to conduct a little experiment. I bought banner ad space on a variety of very popular websites that simply said "If Moose Changed Your Life Click Here". Respondents were then invited to share their stories. Here's just a sampling on the responses.

Chuck, KY: Yes

Stanley, PA: Moose sent me a signed 8x10 glossy and that made me think, "Stanley, Moose thinks you're a great guy." After that my whole life just turned around.

Patrick, NV: Moose saved my family from a fire in our home and gave me $5 bucks to help restart my life.

Anonymous, ?: Moose taught me that it wasn't nice to throw water balloons at people going to the PHS Valentines dance.

Gilbert, CO: How do I win the free I-Phone?

Hans, Germany: Der Moose ist super prima! Er hat mir geholfen meinen Alkoholismus zu uberwinden.

I could go on and on as I received almost 456,000 responses before the server crashed but these responses just go to show the overwhelming public appreciation of Moose!

Moose NOT to Blame for 1996 PHS Loss to THS

Contrary to a pervasive campaign of deception, Moose was NOT to blame for the heart-breaking, gut-wrenching and oncogenic mutation-inducing 1996 loss to Timpview. A lot of slanderous fools have been throwing around smack like, "If only Chambers would have blocked Ifo better we would have won." Hello! Ifo Pili didn't even play for Timpview! He played at Mountain View morons! And besides we all know that Moose blocked Ifo. Heck, even D'Haenans did that.

In spite of obvious mistakes from other players (a roughing the punter penalty after a key defensive stop, a goal line fumble returned for a touchdown and CBs getting burned on a wide receiver pass) a conspiratorial cadre of imbeciles insists on attaching blame to the only player who even kept us in the game--Moose! (I guess that kick returner who would lay out kickoff coverage players while the ball rolled past him into the endzone deserves some credit too.) Earth to nattering nabobs: it was Moose who was demanding triple teams from the Wimpview O-line while you were too busy retrieving your red vines that you dropped under the bleachers while giving your loser friend a high five! Get real losers.

Anyway, I just want to make sure everyone knows that Moose played his heart out and if you're reading this, we appreciate you buddy. All true Bulldogs should be sending you checks at Christmas every year to show their true appreciation.

Chambers Does Cool Stuff

It's true the standout offensive lineman for our very own Buffalo Bills does cool stuff. This has been confirmed by multiple sources including a man interviewed after the Bills' practice this afternoon. He said, "I saw Chambers and he was like doing cool stuff." When asked to more specifically detail Chambers antics the man replied, "Well it's hard to, you know, narrow it down because it was all just so cool. Like this one play he totally did some cool stuff, like cool stuff you can only do if you're really strong...oh and he has a beard which makes things cool that wouldn't be cool if non-bearded people did them." An unnamed coach for the team had this to say, "Chambers has probably done more cool stuff than this whole team combined and timesed by seven. You know as coaches we track this kind of stat very closely." When asked to provide examples of said statistics the coach gave this interesting tidbit, "Well, I'm not really allowed to specify on that, you know don't want to give away our competitive advantage, but I will say Chambers got 15 doing cool stuff points in practice yesterday for lifting a school bus off of the head coach. It was crazy this school bus crashed through the fence, tipped over and landed on the coach and Chambers just lifted it off. I took notice of that and awarded him extra cool stuff points, a whole 15...wait it was 20 because he got bonus beard points, but man it was cool." Chambers seems to have cornered the market on cool stuff and this Bills reporter is accordingly impressed.

At Home with Kirk

Fans will be surprised to learn that Kirk has a passion for seasonal decorating. While Marilyn is away this weekend, the home will be transformed into an autumn paradise.

"This place is gonna look like a country hollow. I've strung 100 yards of autumn-leaf garland for doorways and other surfaces." Kirk has also gathered nearly twenty pounds of acorns that will be painted gold and placed in a pretty basket to "liven up the credenza," he says.

When asked how Marilyn will respond, Kirk replies, "she loves when I do this kind of stuff!"

Kirk is already making plans for the Christmas season: "I'd like to try flocking some magnolia branches."

These fans can hardly wait!

Moose Gets New Knee Brace

The Moose #1 Fan Club staff caught up with Moose after the Sept. 27th 27-7 loss to New Orleans to ask him a few questions about his new knee brace. He didn't actually answer any questions we asked him but we were able to get a photograph of the knee brace. We shouted, "Good luck Moose!" as security removed us from the practice field.

Soccer Hooligans

In the Spring of '97 all of us fresh faced PHS lads went to the Provo VS Timpview soccer game at Timpview's field. We didn't intend on getting in a big brawl with Timpview fans, players and coaches...and well...we didn't...BUT we could have if Kirk didn't scare them all away. I'll explain.

So the soccer games at Timpview were on this shoddy little field by the school. We were REALLY close to the benches and the players, so all of our taunts, jibes, and insults could be clearly heard by both teams. I seem to remember just yelling the usual obnoxious stuff. You know, the same silly/stupid crap we yelled all the time, nothing too offensive or insulting, just mainly silly, harmless, annoying stuff. The goalkeeper's name was Quinn, and we enjoyed taunting him so much during basketball season, that we kept it up during the soccer game.

That all changed when Ollerton got maliciously tripped by one of the Timpview players. Then we stopped being silly and started getting... I don't know... maybe threatening's the word? I remember Mikey yelling extremely loud "Don't you realized, I'm from Provo High! I've got a gun!" or something like that. We all yelled and hissed and booed and made spectacles of ourselves.

I believe the final score was 2-1 Timpview. As the final whistle blew the coach for the T-wussies turned around, looked right at us and said "yeah!" and then gestured to us, as if to say "Come on, you wanna fight me!" He might have even yelled "C'mon!" to us, but my memories a bit hazy.

His whole attitude changed when Kirk stood up to take on his offer. Upon seeing Kirk he quickly turned around and busied himself, pretending not to have ever seen us. I guess I wouldn't want to tangle with a 6' 7'', 300 pound kid either.

I wonder how many times Kirk got us out of scrapes where we were obnoxious, but nobody would mess with us because Kirk was so intimidating. I know he kept us from jumping into the fray that day.

First Ever LaVell Leap On Record.

There is but one, and only, one reason I would ever cheer against the Cougs. There's REALLY only one reason I'd cheer against them in Lavell Edwards Stadium. Only if Kirk was playing on the other team.

Such a wild occurrence actually took place on September 20, 2003. I remember sitting with Lesley, Jed, Guido, Duerden, Mikey, Kevin, DH, Watlz, Ollerton, Benson, Muffwitch, The Beev, Leep-Dawg... Actually my memory's a bit foggy of who all was there...

A few key memories:

1. I let Jed borrow my Stanford sweatshirt because I had a Stanford hat. Then I couldn't find the Stanford hat, so I was limited to a cardinal colored terrycloth shirt as my way of showing my fandom.

2. As Kirk came out of the locker room with all the other mean looking players he looked up into the stands, saw all of us there and cracked a big smile.

3. With Stanford close to scoring they called a tackle eligible play and threw the ball to a wide open Kirk, but Trent Edwards (yeah...the same Trent Edwards you've heard of) threw it over his head. (It was probably a good thing, if Kirk had scored a touchdown we probably all would have been thrown out of the game and been arrested after we stormed the field, which WOULD HAVE happened).

4. Lil' Chams was on the field, and would yell stuff up to us occasionally such as something to the effect "C'mon, he's a lineman, he's not used to catching passes."

5. We had some awesome/funny dude behind us. Stanford fan, drunk as a skunk. I remember after the game and he and Jed had an argument as to which of them was the king. It went something like this:

Jed: (to drunk dude) Man, you're the king.

Guy: No man, YOU'RE the king!

Jed: No YOU'RE the KING!

It went on for another moment or two.

6. After Stanford was victorious, Kirk performed what was probably the first ever Lavell leap into the stands right where we were sitting. I almost knocked a woman over so I could smack his helmet and pads. Totally awesome.

After Stanford won it was like they had won the super bowl or something to us. Complete euphoria. Chambers had returned home and conquered.

Interview with DB Pancake Blocked by Chambers

Recently we caught up with Kansas City Chiefs cornerback Brandon Carr who suffered a major pancake block at the hands, literally, of Chambers last season.

Fan Club: Brandon, what was the first thing that went through your mind when you saw 300+ lbs. of fire-breathing moosemobile bearing down on you like a doughnut-seeking missile?

Carr: Listen, I've been afraid before, but this is the first time I actually wet myself.

FC: Wow! So you're basically trembling in your cleats and then the contact comes. Describe that moment.

C: It was like my whole life flashed before my eyes and then the grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it.

FC: See what?

C: It's like you're floating above your own body and watching it get suspended in slow motion like some rag doll that's been smacked with a baseball bat. Basically, it was sick. As I was coming back down to the ground I was thinking, man this O-lineman know what time it is.

FC: So you're in the air. Then what?

C: It's like you snap back to reality, oops there goes gravity, and you're so mad but the crowd goes so loud and the words just won't come out. I'm lying on my back looking through the tears and wondering if my legs are still attached to my body when I see the replay on the jumbotron. I realize, I've just been posterized, yo!

FC: So everyone knows the rest of the story. You're carted off and sit out the rest of the game. Any hard feelings towards Chambers?

C: No man. Hate the game, not the player, yo. It's all good. I just know if I keep my eyes on number 73 and stay out of his way it's all good.

FC: Thanks and good luck this season.

29 September, y'all

Here's to Tone. May you live a thousand years.

The following photo essay is my gift to you: it represents the top image results under the Google search for nubbins. I was pleased with how well they matched the unique sensibilities of our aging friend.







Apologies to all who don't get the nubbins joke, but I'm not going to bother explaining it here. Tony gets it.

Which one of you jinxed us?

It must have been one of you! It couldn't have been because FSU was actually THAT much better than us. It must have been because one of YOU did something wrong!

We ALL know that as fans what we DO and SAY, whether on purpose or accident, can either bring good luck to our team (hats, shirts, sayings, rituals, dances, peeing on stuff, etc.) or can JINX our team (bragging about the BCS before the third game starts, mocking the other team a little too much, talking trash, getting 'Max Hall 2010 Heisman Winner' shirts, etc.) And I just wanna know which of you fools went and jinxed us?

What? You say it's me? All my talk of reverse jinxing may have actually REVERSED the reversed jinx? But...but...

Come to think of it... instead of showing off how Max Hall was going to get crushed (a classic reverse jinx move) I was doing how the Florida State guy was going to get smashed at work today...that probably didn't help much.

I also saw a movie with Lesley instead of watching the game (not going to lie, I regret NOTHING!) "(500) days of Summer." really good. Too quirky? Ehh ...but really enjoyable. It deserves a post all its own.

So faithful friends and readers...alas. Don't blame Bronco, Hall, the team, Bobby Bowden, or the media for the loss. You can blame me, and know that in my heart of hearts... I blame all of you.

BYU vs OU

Holmes was right I did get to go to the Oklahoma game and it was awesome. A friend of ours who works for A&M got some tickets so a group of us went up and had a great time at the game. Our seats were on OU's 5 yard line about 16 rows up (close enough to see Jerry Jones schmoozing with other big wigs before the game). Anyways, National Championship Game tickets are on me as long as you don't mind being transported into the stadium inside of industrial size bags of nacho chips, it's totally legit don't worry.

What not to do when the president is speaking...

Let's all give a big cheer to Rep. Joe Wilson of South Carolina, for shouting 'YOU LIE!' at President Obama during his speech. You stay classy Rep. Wilson! Hopefully South Carolina will show HIM some love in 2010!



This is just annoying. Disagreeing is one thing, but shouting out during a national televised speech? Ridiculous. Show some respect fool! He's the president of the United States, not some dude running for student body president at your high school.

Is anyone else getting annoyed at the level of bile being spewed by people over this health care thing? For me it's simple, private insurance is too expensive and not available to too many Americans and something needs to be done. All this talk about killing Grandmas and socialism is nonsense. Republicans seem to be bowing down to health care companies and their lobby, and not giving enough consideration to the needs of American people.

Give me some health care congress. YES WE CAN!

Still Trying to Settle Down after Monumental BYU Victory

Alright, I've finally settled down enough after the BYU win to make a post.

For some great pics from the game go here.
To download or watch highlight videos of the game go here, here and here.
To donate your first born son to Bronco and the football program go here.

First, what's up with the BYU defense bringing the pain?!? The longest play from scrimmage for OU was 18 yards? What!?! Mitt Romney! My favorite defensive play was when safety Andrew Rich wrapped up the OU WR and then Jordan Pendleton (OLB) brought the pain and the fumble. Boom! Seriously, it's been since 1996 that the defense has looked this good. Goal line stands, corner backs making great open field tackles, pressure on the QB--I could watch it all day.

Second, I'm pleased the offense still pulled out the win even after spotting OU three turnovers and without Harvey Unga. We left 10 points on the field and still won.

So now that BYU is ranked #9 (what!) here's hoping for a trip to the BCS (and no crappy "realism" comments please--don't rain on this parade)!

Okay, rumor has it Duerden was at the game--rumor as in he told me. Not only that, he also attended the Miami game in 1990. Some guys get all the breaks. It's just not fair. I say Duerden has to buy tickets for everyone to go to the BCS game.

How's the reaction in Sooner nation? Watch this jolly dramatic presentation (a fine variation on the Hitler reaction theme):



Now if only I could watch all of the games. Curse you MWC television contract! (It wouldn't surprise me if wives of BYU football fans have been sending money to the Mountain to maintain the status quo.)

Why wasn't this around in 2002?

Check these out.





I can only imagine what great things would've been done by our team. What would our name have been? The Swamp Beasts? The Scientists? P-Funkinstein?

How would we have dressed? Business suits? Tin cans? Wombats?

Would there have been break dancing before the game? A boom box maybe? Throngs of banshees and harpies swarming the other teams? Would there be headbands or mustaches, or pants peeing? Maybe five or six assistant coaches?

It's just seven years too late. Frankly, I think the opposing teams would see our ironic demeanor and then be completely floored by our athletic prowess (I'm think more of you other guys than myself here). BOOM! The dude in the seventies Provo High basketball uni just got you OUT! Hucklebuck SUCKER!

Shameless Pro-American Anti-Taxation Propaganda

I Want a Phone Company that Will Murder My Boss

I hadn't seen this SNL short before. Enjoy.

Suzuki Omnichord

This is the instrument that the Grizzly Bear man was using in Jed's resent post. Its called the Omnichord and was introduced in the early 80's by Suzuki. One uses the omnichord by strumming the touch plate and holding down chord buttons as demonstrated in the video.

Jed, if you like the idea that Bjork is in the sound booth helping the Grizzly man, don't watch the video. To some, the video might cause some disenchantment due to the simplicity of the action. I, however, think that using a musical machine like this, in any capacity, is brilliance. It is a perfect example of what happens when you mix music, magic, and technology.

The fun stuff is about a minute in.

And starring Draco Malfoy...as Hamlet.

Lesley and I recently saw 'Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince' (okay, we've seen it twice, don't you judge me) and thoroughly enjoyed it. The aesthetic that David Yates brings to these films is quite terrific.

Anyway, multiple times in the film a very Nordic looking character is brooding about the castle, vacillating whether he should kill a father figure that another father figure has asked him to kill, never quite bringing himself to do it. Yes, Draco and Hamlet are amazingly similar.


In the scene shown above the camera glides by a sulking Draco, it could easily stop on a close up

Draco: O, that this too too solid flesh would melt
Thaw and resolve itself into a dew.

In the above scene, riveted with doubt over his assignment, Draco pauses as he looks in the mirror.

Draco: To be, or not to be: that is the question:

This game gave me a ton of enjoyment. If and when you see the movie try to find places for all six soliloquies. You'll be amazed how well they fit.

Move on, already

I know, I know. You're like, we know you like Grizzly Bear, already. In fact, I've put off posting this for a few days for that very reason. I can hear the eyes rolling collectively in their sockets out there.

But you have to see this. They pulled this off... LIVE. I have to wonder if that trippy nymph Bjork was in the sound booth, engineering the scope and clarity of the noise coming from these Brooklyn hipsters. I'm just so thrilled that in a day and age of over-produced and performance-altering recording technologies, there's a band out there that can not only conjure music like this, but can actually write it on paper for someone to join them in a live performance of it.

Here's to real talent.

A Neil Young Mea Culpa?

This post is more of an apology to Brandie than anything else. See, I used to make fun of Neil Young even though I knew Brandie really liked him. But I was making fun of Neil Young based on a COVER VERSION of one of his songs: Castles Burning covered by Annie Lennox. You can hear it in this video. If you listen to it you can imagine why I thought he was total weak sauce. Anyway, I was utterly debased and nihilistically humiliated when I actually heard some of his other stuff. He's pretty great (although I still maintain that Castles Burning isn't that great of a song). So my apologies to Brandie, Hubbel and any other Neil Young fans who had to endure my smug ignorance. Maybe the real shame here is that I made it to 30 without knowing any real Neil Young songs.

Steyn on Life Span and Health Care Systems

I had to pass on this money quotation from Mark Steyn's latest post at NRO.

Life expectancy in the European Union 78.7 years; life expectancy in the United States 78.06 years; life expectancy in Albania 77.6 years; life expectancy in Libya, 76.88 years; life expectancy in Bosnia & Herzegovina, 78.17 years. Once you get on top of childhood mortality and basic hygiene, everything else is peripheral – margin-of-error territory. Maybe we could get another six months by adopting EU-style socialized health care. Or we could get another six weeks by reducing the Lower 48 to rubble in an orgy of bloodletting, which seems to have done wonders for Bosnian longevity... Even within the United States, even within the Medicare system, there are regions that offer twice as much “health care” per patient – twice as many check-ups, pills, tests, operations – for no discernible variation in outcome.

Health care is incredibly complex, but my instincts tell me that the costs of having government run our health care system will greatly overshadow any of the benefits. And the benefits--improved access, lower cost (in theory anyway)--will probably have no discernible effect on big outcomes like life span, cancer rates or obesity rates.

Holmes Travel Round Up

Time for a quick dispatch from the desk of Holmes.

Early June: I took part in our stake youth conference in Nauvoo. It was a great spiritual and educational experience. Doing baptisms and confirmations with the youths in the restored temple was probably the highlight. The church has done a phenomenal job creating a host of fun, free activities that will appeal to families.

Mid-June: I spent one week at Quivira Scout Ranch. QSR is located in the beautiful Flint Hills of eastern Kansas. I enjoyed the chance to put in some significant time birding. It's been several years since I've put in a good birding trip. I picked up two lifers: Great Crested Flycatcher and Eastern Phoebe. I spotted what I thought were two cuckoos but they were gone before I could get a species ID. (I still haven't seen a cuckoo.)

Late June: We had our Holmes family reunion in the upper Shenandoah Valley. My family flew into Raleigh, NC so we could see old friends. The drive through Virginia was gorgeous (rural VA is high on my favorite places list). The reunion was sweet. One highlight was getting my dad to climb in an inner tube and float down the Shenandoah River with my brothers (sans Rich who is now located in Trinidad & Tobago). My right sandal fell apart within the first five minutes in the river and most of our tubes went flat well before our take-out point. The river was slow enough that we (except bro-in-law Mat) headed for the highway rather than trying to swim and walk the edge of the river. Mat caught a ride with some canoers down to our car and was able to pick us all up on the highway. I love it when a plan comes together! Hoo-ah!

C'mon I'll Give You Some Chips

I know this is old news--okay two months old--but I started it over a month ago and just hadn't got around to posting it.

What does this (starting at about 0:33)



have to do with this?



If you guessed "C'mon I'll give you some chips" = "Do you realize that you are eligible for a $400 tax credit" then you win. If this was a labor, environmental, pro-immigration or women's rights protest she wouldn't be challenging the protesters (can you imagine?). But since it is a "conservative" protest she has to throw in her devil's advocate comments instead of letting the guy finish a sentence. This graphic (taken from the Washington Post) explains rather succinctly the impetus behind the tea parties. (Go here for commentary from the Heritage Foundation.)

"C'mon American public, give me your GDP. Don't worry, I'll give you some chips." If only Pedro could offer us his protection. Contrast the above graphic with this screenshot from the Orwellian Office of Management and Budget homepage.

A New Era of Responsibility!?!?! (C'mon, I'll give you some chips.) I'll admit that Bush and the Republican congress spent like drunken sailors during his two terms. Federal expenditures increased from $1.79 trillion to $2.90 trillion (62%) between fiscal years 2000 and 2008. As a percentage of GDP, expenditures increased from 18.4% to 20.0% (GPO data here). But if even more of the same equals a a new era of responsibility then I am getting worried. The sheer size of these numbers are frightening. To put this in perspective, let's look at the projected $1.85 trillion federal deficit for FY2009. According to GPO data, the estimated GDP for 2008 was $14.52 trillion. Assuming GDP is not growing (technically it's shrinking since that is the definition of a recession), the deficit will equal at least 12.7% of GDP and the total projected budget ($2.99 trillion) will equal at least 20.6% of GDP. (According to one source, when you throw in state and local spending the share to government is 44% of GDP.) Here's another graph from the CBO that may add some additional perspective.

Realistically, I think inflation will be the only way to pay for federal over-spending. Significant tax increases seem politically risky and any significant cuts in spending are politically impossible (and there is no indication that the Obama administration is even considering them). It seems that the only way to make these debts go away is to slowly--or quickly--inflate them away and hope that folks don't notice their decreasing standard of living (or at least don't notice until through the next election cycle).

Please forgive a lefty entry...

...but this is mildly amusing

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

The rest of the segment goes on a bit too long, but how did the Gingrich people miss this one? Isn't it this sort of comment and mentality that drive moderate republicans nuts? How is alienating ourselves from 'the world' a good thing? Will I ever stop asking rhetorical questions?

ALSO, as a follow up to my last post, Nike has done away with most of the 'Most Valuable Puppets' commercials during the finals (for, perhaps, obvious reasons) but these two still run during the games.





This is a good move by Nike, not totally taking the puppets off, but rather showing one that highlights Kobe, and one that very amicably deals with the fact that Lebron ISN'T THERE!

But here are three ideas for puppet commercials that I wish we would see.

1. Kobe and Lebron playing video games, a big puppet who looks like Shaq, but is never identified as such, comes in and grovels to Kobe telling him he washed and waxed his car. When Kobe asks if he put on two coats of wax the big puppet sighs and walks out of the apartment.

2. The Lebron Puppet states that if he had Gasol, Odom, Ariza, and Phil Jackson as his coach he would have won the finals three weeks ago. Whereas if Kobe had the Cavs supporting cast Lebron would have lost in the first round. ALL DE TIME!

3. A Dwight Howard puppet moves in and kicks Lebron out. This scenario basically happened with this Vitaminwater add.

There you go Nike, three freebies. You're welcome.

I'm hearting Grizzly Bear

Below is the video for "Two Weeks," one of many smashing tracks from Grizzly Bear's latest release, Vekatimest.

This is the band of the of 2009. I called it.

Basketball, Commodities, and Puppets.

Kobe Bryant and Lebron James as puppets? See for yourself. Keep in mind that I hated these commercials the first few times I saw them, but now I'm completely in love with them.




And my personal favorite:



Now, a few things come to mind when I see these adds.

1) That Lebron puppet is great. Looks just like him. The Kobe one looks NOTHING like Kobe.

2) One reason I didn't like them at first was I thought that they were racist, but I'm not exactly sure why I thought that. Are they racist? Does the fact that I thought they were racist make me racist? Are you a racist by thinking that I'm a racist because I thought they may be racist?

Frankly the more I've seen them I'm thinking that maybe they aren't racist, but, as you might be able to tell, I'm easily swayed.

2) What exactly are these advertising? Is this good advertising? It seems to me that the only products being sold are Kobe and Lebron themselves, and really these commercials seem to portray them as idiots.

3) This is one of two ad campaigns, both coinciding with the playoffs, that seem to be relying on Kobe and Lebon meeting in the finals (Vitaminwater has a facebook page devoted to the two of them and "who's better"). The problem is, it's not looking good for that to happen. Cleavland is down 3 games to 1 to Orlando, while LA is tied with Denver (in what is shaping up to be a great series) 2-2. I'm not seeing Denver beating LA, but the Cavs have to win three straight to make it to the finals, a task that looks pretty tough considering that if Lebron hadn't hit this shot they would have been swept.

This seems to be a huge disaster for these companies AND to the NBA. I can only imagine the interest, the excitement, and the ratings if the Cavs play the Lakers in the finals. The two greatest players of this generation, the MVPs of the last two years, the Mamba vs. the King squaring off.

If this doesn't happen Nike, Vitaminwater and the NBA will lose millions without a doubt. I'm guessing the ratings for a Lakers/Magic finals will be drastically different than a Cavs/Lakers final would be (or even WORSE a Magic/Nuggets final? Who would even watch?) Don't be surprised if some questionable officiating takes place in the next few eastern conference playoff games. Not dirty officiating, just...questionable.

Which leads me to my point. There seems to be a bit of a problem when markets and promotions seem to be more important than the games themselves. If there is a true essence of basketball, and I know it's just a sport and not something important like say...universal healthcare, isn't it lost in all the hype? If viewership and ratings are all that matters why not just put the Cavs and the Lakers in the finals and have out with it, why even play the other games?

Frankly I hope Cleavland pulls out some sort of miracle and wins three straight. Partially because as a fan I WANT TO SEE LEBRON PLAY KOBE, partially because I can't wait to see all the sports pundits and wags froth at the mouth about how freaking awesome Lebron and Kobe are.

And, partially...I want to see more puppet commercials. All de time. All de TIME!

Holmestead I

Looking up the driveway. We're putting in our first garden. It looks ideally bucolic, but it comes with the price of ticks, poison ivy and 40,000 mosquitoes. Tame the wilderness Holmes, tame the wilderness.
Jane and one of six plymouth barred rock chicks. This is from a few weeks back. They're all still alive (phew!) and it turns out we have 4 hens and 2 roosters.

Milky Way and Anne-Marie in the bassinette.

Termite tunnels in the bottom corner of the house. This was behind the baseboard. I removed asbestos popcorn texture from the ceiling, pulled up the deep red shag carpet and tore off the wood paneling. Behind the wood paneling I found two entombed garter snakes and a pile of five mouse skeletons at the bottom of an AC vent. This room must have had a serious odor in the past.

Big old Prairie Kingsnake that Jane found in the yard today. I hope it doesn't like chickens or kittens.

Prairie sunset.

What Are Your Favorite Websites?!?

It would be FUN! (see look at how much fun I'm having) if everyone shared some of their favorite websites. I'm curious to see what the esteemed audience of The Provonian reads. Let's do it like this--list your favorite websites/blogs for the following topics (include urls where necessary).

1. News/Current Events
2. Politics/Legal/Civic Issues
3. Sports/Fun
4. Hobbies
5. Arts/film/culture
6. Church/religious
7. Friends/Social

I'll go first. If I don't mention your blog specifically that doesn't mean I don't read/like it.

1. For news I go to Drudge Report and I have the top stories from Google News on my homepage. Nothing exciting here.

2. My latest favorite is SteynOnline. Mark Steyn is an extremely entertaining conservative columnist. If you are conservative and haven't read his stuff then you need to wake up and start living. (Start here with this gem on the Democractic presidential primary.) If you are a leftie you may not find him funny, but you will admit that he is a brilliant wordsmith. Another favorite is the Coyote Blog. It's a blog by a libertarian, small business owner and is typically commentary on how government screws things up. I'm not libertarian, yet, but it has been a real education for me on that side of the political spectrum. (Here's a recent favorite comparing the efficiency of a government agency and a small company.) Last, I'll throw in a plug for Race Happens which is written by a former mission companion. He's Korean-American and doesn't have an ideological axe to grind. It's refreshing to become better informed about race issues without being constantly accused of racism because of the color of my skin.

3. All Cougarboard, all the time.

4. I follow a few blogs by small scale farmers. My favorite is probably Nature's Harmony blog.

5. Hmm, I guess I don't have anything under this category. Boring Holmes.

6. I follow Times & Seasons. I haven't spent much time there of late, but it has been a fun place to hear articulate, usually faithful LDS perspectives on a variety of topics. Another blog I follow is LDS Science Review. It is written by an LDS molecular biologist and gets into the evolution/religion issues.

7. Carly has a reliably entertaining blog (My Misadventures). Her recent post about Elmo is one of my all time favorites. (The peedle post over at Jayne's blog is a recent favorite too.)

Okay Provonian readers, let's hear a shout out to your favorite websites. Either follow my format or just throw out a favorite or two.

It's Alive!

UPDATE:

Thanks to local support, Fire Creek is still in theaters. Not sure what the numbers were over the weekend (kind of don't want to know...) but the "Friday Only" clause was lifted, at least. And that feels good.

Thanks if you saw it. Thanks if you sent your folks. Thanks for nothing if you thought about seeing it but didn't want to spend the eight bucks. But, for the time being, there's still a chance to redeem yourself.

Who wants to see Star Trek, anyway?

Exhibit A:

"But what should I do on Friday, May 8 instead?"
"You like movies, right?"
"Well, sure!"
"And you like your movies small scale, with little or no budget?"
"Absolutely!"
"And you're looking for drama? None of this popcorn/escapist fare?
"Now you're talking!"
"Then you're in luck, because Fire Creek is opening on Friday, May 8, opposite Star Trek and Wolverine and Fast and Furious and a big studio RomCom starring Matthew McConaughey, and it's sure to meet your needs."



I don't know if you remember what you were doing four years ago this month. Mikey was in Hawaii acting like he was going to school, D'H was also acting like he was preparing for Med School. I'm sure Holmes was creating miracles out of soil and Duerden was saving some adolescent soul on a river.

I was trying my hand at directing a feature film. It was really rainy. My daughter was almost 2 and Jayne was expecting our second in the fall. We had no money and I was ditching my plans to be a commercial/editorial photographer in NYC for the rest of my life.

We were into our third week of shooting and the representative from Excell (who had verbally agreed to distribute the film) came to visit the set. We were on location at a scuzzy motel in Heber and between recurring power failures, thundering trucks on the freeway and the talent's violent allergy to a dog on the premises, I was ready to go home. Ready to forget any of it ever happened. The representative from Excell didn't stay long. He didn't even tell anyone he was leaving-- he just escaped. And I could just hear his frantic phone call back to headquarters as he drove away: "Pull out! Pull out NOW!"

On one of a hundred '5-minute breaks' I took my third Pepsi from the cooler and left the claustrophobic lobby that was our set. The actual location was so small that only grip was aloud on set with the talent and camera. Even the producer was on monitor in one of the adjoining queen-sized units. I splashed down the line to a room where my mom had taken shelter on one of her many visits to the set that month. I fell on the bed and came as close to crying as I had in any of my 26 years. My mom sat quietly in a stinky armchair and listened. Then she stormed out and called lunch. That's what happens when a Stage Mom graduates to a Film Mom: she calls the breaks.

She and I went into town and got a burger.

"Well, this sounds Great! I live in Seattle, can I see Fire Creek in a theater near me?"
"No, you're out of luck. It's only playing in select theaters along Utah's Wasatch Front."
"Oh, well, I'll be in Utah next week, so I'll catch it then."
"Well, there's a snag there too. As of now (May 7) you can only see this film on Friday, May 8 in select theaters along Utah's Wasatch Front."
"Hmmm. You're not making this easy, here."
"Don't give up yet. If the theaters see enough of an audience on Friday, they'll extend the run. There may be some dates in the future to catch this picture-- what would you say to that?"
"Great!"

Four years later, we had three kids and I had all but forgotten that film project of yesteryear.  There were some good memories attached to it.  And a certain amount of heartache-- watching it languish for a year, then two, after the festivals tour; seeing the list of potential deals and distributors who quit returning calls get longer and longer.  

I got a job.  I got another job.  I bought a house and moved on with my life.

Then two months ago I got an email from the producer asking if there were some images on hand to revamp the publicity materials, because they had landed an opening in May and they were looking to redesign everything.  Wait, what?  I told him I wouldn't believe it until I saw it.  He produced proof, we shot some new stills, cut a new trailer, got a rating from the MPAA (the first cut earned a PG-13 and we had to remove some blood to get that much coveted PG) and we're opening tomorrow.

"Why haven't I hear of Fire Creek until now?"

"Well, as is often the case with independent cinema, advertising money is mighty scarce.  But there is a fatty billboard on I-15 and there are trailers running in theaters and on TV."

"But I haven't seen them."

"I guess I don't know what to tell you, then."

...And waiting for the PG rating put us back two and a half weeks on the posters.   A handful of things got in the way of advertising this opening properly.  And Cinemark is sketching, of course, because they haven't seen ads enough to hold the film.  Hence the new 'Friday only' deal.  But that's why I'm here beating the bushes on this blog.  And on twitter.  And if I had a facebook account, I'd be saying something there as well.  Please, if you can, go see this movie.  If you don't live in the valley, send your parents.  I don't make any money if you go, but the more tickets they sell tomorrow, the longer its life span could be.  And that could mean more opportunities for student work to be seen by a larger public, etc., etc.

"How can I see this movie?"

"Visit www.firecreekmovie.com and follow the link to ticket info.  It is showing only at Cinemark theaters in Provo, American Fork, Sandy and Layton."

"And you say it's only showing on Friday?"

"Well, that depends on you.  If enough tickets are sold, they'll hold it over as demand requires."

"Do I know anyone involved in the movie?"

"You sure do!  Duerden and Guido make an appearance at a boxing ring along with Steve Walters and a few other colorful locals.  D'H plays a substantial and pivotal role as a Marine in the Afghanistan war."

"What do you mean by pivotal?"

"I guess you'll have to see the film to find out!"

"Well, gee whiz, I might just do that!"

And just for sitting through this, I'll leave you this treat in parting: