Saturday, October 31, 2009

Macbeth Nov. 10th

World Premiere, baby! Tower Theatre, SLC, Nov. 10th, 7:00pm

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Thursday, October 15, 2009

All Hail the Kings!

Here's a new one from Kings of Convenience. I got so excited when I saw it I almost peed my pants.

Album drops Oct. 20, suckers.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Friday, October 9, 2009

What the Peace Prize?

Love Obama or not, you (and Moose) will enjoy this take on his receiving the Nobel Peace Prize.

Top 10 Things Most Likely To Happen To Moose

10. Beating Mr. T in a 100 yard Dash
9. Winning the Heisman
8. Sacking Peyton Manning
7. Eating a Hot Dog
6. Defending Small People
5. Being Called Moose
4. Dishing Out Posterizing Pancake Blocks
3. Being Named The Greatest Athlete Ever To Be Called Moose By ESPN and/or This Blog
2. Snapping Basketball Standards in Half (with his mind!)
1. Starting His Own Professional Catfish Noodling Service

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Stuff Like This Would Not Happen to Moose

Hilarious. Why doesn't stuff like this happen in Kansas?

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

100 Yard Dash: Dr. Holmes vs. Biology I

I was chatting with some of my lab students today about football. I mentioned in passing that I would enjoy playing intramural flag football if I had the time. "You guys would probably think it was cool to have Holmes on your team. I could be free safety or something," I said. "I wouldn't want my team depending on you," replied student X. "Would you put me on the line?" "Probably. How fast are you?" "I'm probably faster than you are." From there it was on. I will be racing this student and anyone else in the class who wants in this Thursday at noon. 100 meters on the track. I'll try to get some photo documentation and post it. I know some of the guys in the class will probably beat me, but as long as I beat student X it will be a glorious victory. He was talking smack the rest of class so I'm looking forward to it.

Update: Student X didn't show up to class today so the race is postponed until Tuesday--assuming he hasn't skipped town. It's probably for the best since it is raining here.

Update 2 (10/16): I smoked Student X yesterday by a couple of meters. Boom!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Not Moose, but Kirk, nonetheless

This tickles me in all the right places. And it's much the way I feel about our own Captain Kirk.

Pokemon Mitosis!

I showed this totally sweet Pokemon mitosis video to my class today.

You can all thank me in the comments for keeping you up to date on your biology. (Moose likes biology so this counts as a post about Moose.)

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Why Won't My Fantasy Football League Let Me Draft Moose?!?

Not to toot my own horn--I mean what does that have to do with the price of tea in China?--but I am having a decent run at fantasy football. Sure other dudes might know more about football but who is better at the cool, rational, scientific approach necessary to really master fantasy football than the guy with the science PhD? Sorry theater and film dudes, you don't have a prayer.

Anyway, this blog is about Moose, not me and my defending champion Goshen Grommets (champs last year and 2-1 so far this year, boom!). Time for my rant! Why can't I draft Moose? Why doesn't fantasy football acknowledge the most important part of football--the big heavies on the O-line?!? The prissy skill position players get all the glory and even kickers get drafted! At least the defensive players count for something but I can't remain silent while the O-line continues to get snubbed. I mean even if he doesn't score "points" or get "yardage" I should still be able to draft Moose. I would gladly take a weekly goose egg on the score sheet if it meant Moose could have a spot on my roster.

What should we do? Start a Facebook group: FFL's without O-linemen are weak!!!! Boycott ESPN's FFL? (Doh, it's free!) Maybe a letter campaign. Put any ideas for how we can rectify this systematic wrong in the comments.

Friday, October 2, 2009

I'm Flattered

Great one guys. I have now finally made it. All of the hours spent in the weight room and sleeping in a hyperbolic chamber for the last nine years have paid off. At least six people remember that there was once a guy from Provo High (Go Bulldogs 6-1) that is still out there somewhere playing football for a living. Yes, he may be slightly balding and 30 years old, but he's still somehow affiliated with a team. Holmes, this is what I get for not commenting enough on the Provonian, right? Jed, you are not the first one to impersonate me on Twitter. Just two weeks ago a teammate told me that I had been sending him messages on Twitter, to which I replied, "I'm not on Twitter." It took me a little time and a few phone calls with my lawyer, but I did have that account terminated, not because I felt my identity had been stolen, but because the impersonated messages were lame. Jed, I would have let your messages fly. We may have to work out a deal where you "tweet" for me on a regular basis. You guys made my day. See you all in December.

Moose Appreciation Day (12/13/09)

For all who are interested:

Tailgating begins: when I get home from work (12/12/09)
Caravan leaves for Kansas City Arrowhead Stadium: 6 am sharp!
Kick off: 12 pm

Flights now available to Omaha, NE
Accommodations: My house is open*

*1st to confirm gets the downstairs futon, 2nd can share the futon with the first. All the rest get to share the plush carpet.

Moose on Twitter

I don't know about you, but I've been following Moose on Twitter for some time now. For those medieval hacks out there who haven't yet caught the twitter wave, surf's up! Below, I'm posting a handful of my faves for posterity.

10:31 AM May 12 from web
lats are screaming for relief, must ignore them. 13 sets to go.

5:18 PM June 13 from web
dude, what's up with network television programming? is it may already?

12:22 PM June 15 from tweetdeck
raw meat for lunch again. we're all just trying to impress T.O.

7:47 AM August 13

8:45 PM September 12 from tweetie
shopping for jed's birthday again. can't get jayne to commit to his current waist size. inseam is 30, the rest is a mystery.

2:34 AM September 21 from web
can't sleep and no one is online on FB. WTH?

12:05 AM September 24 from tweetie
happy birthday jed. you were always my favorite of all those losers i used to know in provo. remember when we almost kissed?

5:48 PM October 1
woah. what happened to the provonian?

Moose Changed my Life

In my never ending quest to post high quality Moose related content on this Moose Fan Website I decided to conduct a little experiment. I bought banner ad space on a variety of very popular websites that simply said "If Moose Changed Your Life Click Here". Respondents were then invited to share their stories. Here's just a sampling on the responses.

Chuck, KY: Yes

Stanley, PA: Moose sent me a signed 8x10 glossy and that made me think, "Stanley, Moose thinks you're a great guy." After that my whole life just turned around.

Patrick, NV: Moose saved my family from a fire in our home and gave me $5 bucks to help restart my life.

Anonymous, ?: Moose taught me that it wasn't nice to throw water balloons at people going to the PHS Valentines dance.

Gilbert, CO: How do I win the free I-Phone?

Hans, Germany: Der Moose ist super prima! Er hat mir geholfen meinen Alkoholismus zu uberwinden.

I could go on and on as I received almost 456,000 responses before the server crashed but these responses just go to show the overwhelming public appreciation of Moose!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Moose NOT to Blame for 1996 PHS Loss to THS

Contrary to a pervasive campaign of deception, Moose was NOT to blame for the heart-breaking, gut-wrenching and oncogenic mutation-inducing 1996 loss to Timpview. A lot of slanderous fools have been throwing around smack like, "If only Chambers would have blocked Ifo better we would have won." Hello! Ifo Pili didn't even play for Timpview! He played at Mountain View morons! And besides we all know that Moose blocked Ifo. Heck, even D'Haenans did that.

In spite of obvious mistakes from other players (a roughing the punter penalty after a key defensive stop, a goal line fumble returned for a touchdown and CBs getting burned on a wide receiver pass) a conspiratorial cadre of imbeciles insists on attaching blame to the only player who even kept us in the game--Moose! (I guess that kick returner who would lay out kickoff coverage players while the ball rolled past him into the endzone deserves some credit too.) Earth to nattering nabobs: it was Moose who was demanding triple teams from the Wimpview O-line while you were too busy retrieving your red vines that you dropped under the bleachers while giving your loser friend a high five! Get real losers.

Anyway, I just want to make sure everyone knows that Moose played his heart out and if you're reading this, we appreciate you buddy. All true Bulldogs should be sending you checks at Christmas every year to show their true appreciation.

Chambers Does Cool Stuff

It's true the standout offensive lineman for our very own Buffalo Bills does cool stuff. This has been confirmed by multiple sources including a man interviewed after the Bills' practice this afternoon. He said, "I saw Chambers and he was like doing cool stuff." When asked to more specifically detail Chambers antics the man replied, "Well it's hard to, you know, narrow it down because it was all just so cool. Like this one play he totally did some cool stuff, like cool stuff you can only do if you're really strong...oh and he has a beard which makes things cool that wouldn't be cool if non-bearded people did them." An unnamed coach for the team had this to say, "Chambers has probably done more cool stuff than this whole team combined and timesed by seven. You know as coaches we track this kind of stat very closely." When asked to provide examples of said statistics the coach gave this interesting tidbit, "Well, I'm not really allowed to specify on that, you know don't want to give away our competitive advantage, but I will say Chambers got 15 doing cool stuff points in practice yesterday for lifting a school bus off of the head coach. It was crazy this school bus crashed through the fence, tipped over and landed on the coach and Chambers just lifted it off. I took notice of that and awarded him extra cool stuff points, a whole 15...wait it was 20 because he got bonus beard points, but man it was cool." Chambers seems to have cornered the market on cool stuff and this Bills reporter is accordingly impressed.

At Home with Kirk

Fans will be surprised to learn that Kirk has a passion for seasonal decorating. While Marilyn is away this weekend, the home will be transformed into an autumn paradise.

"This place is gonna look like a country hollow. I've strung 100 yards of autumn-leaf garland for doorways and other surfaces." Kirk has also gathered nearly twenty pounds of acorns that will be painted gold and placed in a pretty basket to "liven up the credenza," he says.

When asked how Marilyn will respond, Kirk replies, "she loves when I do this kind of stuff!"

Kirk is already making plans for the Christmas season: "I'd like to try flocking some magnolia branches."

These fans can hardly wait!

Moose Gets New Knee Brace

The Moose #1 Fan Club staff caught up with Moose after the Sept. 27th 27-7 loss to New Orleans to ask him a few questions about his new knee brace. He didn't actually answer any questions we asked him but we were able to get a photograph of the knee brace. We shouted, "Good luck Moose!" as security removed us from the practice field.