Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Soccer Hooligans

In the Spring of '97 all of us fresh faced PHS lads went to the Provo VS Timpview soccer game at Timpview's field. We didn't intend on getting in a big brawl with Timpview fans, players and coaches...and well...we didn't...BUT we could have if Kirk didn't scare them all away. I'll explain.

So the soccer games at Timpview were on this shoddy little field by the school. We were REALLY close to the benches and the players, so all of our taunts, jibes, and insults could be clearly heard by both teams. I seem to remember just yelling the usual obnoxious stuff. You know, the same silly/stupid crap we yelled all the time, nothing too offensive or insulting, just mainly silly, harmless, annoying stuff. The goalkeeper's name was Quinn, and we enjoyed taunting him so much during basketball season, that we kept it up during the soccer game.

That all changed when Ollerton got maliciously tripped by one of the Timpview players. Then we stopped being silly and started getting... I don't know... maybe threatening's the word? I remember Mikey yelling extremely loud "Don't you realized, I'm from Provo High! I've got a gun!" or something like that. We all yelled and hissed and booed and made spectacles of ourselves.

I believe the final score was 2-1 Timpview. As the final whistle blew the coach for the T-wussies turned around, looked right at us and said "yeah!" and then gestured to us, as if to say "Come on, you wanna fight me!" He might have even yelled "C'mon!" to us, but my memories a bit hazy.

His whole attitude changed when Kirk stood up to take on his offer. Upon seeing Kirk he quickly turned around and busied himself, pretending not to have ever seen us. I guess I wouldn't want to tangle with a 6' 7'', 300 pound kid either.

I wonder how many times Kirk got us out of scrapes where we were obnoxious, but nobody would mess with us because Kirk was so intimidating. I know he kept us from jumping into the fray that day.

First Ever LaVell Leap On Record.

There is but one, and only, one reason I would ever cheer against the Cougs. There's REALLY only one reason I'd cheer against them in Lavell Edwards Stadium. Only if Kirk was playing on the other team.

Such a wild occurrence actually took place on September 20, 2003. I remember sitting with Lesley, Jed, Guido, Duerden, Mikey, Kevin, DH, Watlz, Ollerton, Benson, Muffwitch, The Beev, Leep-Dawg... Actually my memory's a bit foggy of who all was there...

A few key memories:

1. I let Jed borrow my Stanford sweatshirt because I had a Stanford hat. Then I couldn't find the Stanford hat, so I was limited to a cardinal colored terrycloth shirt as my way of showing my fandom.

2. As Kirk came out of the locker room with all the other mean looking players he looked up into the stands, saw all of us there and cracked a big smile.

3. With Stanford close to scoring they called a tackle eligible play and threw the ball to a wide open Kirk, but Trent Edwards (yeah...the same Trent Edwards you've heard of) threw it over his head. (It was probably a good thing, if Kirk had scored a touchdown we probably all would have been thrown out of the game and been arrested after we stormed the field, which WOULD HAVE happened).

4. Lil' Chams was on the field, and would yell stuff up to us occasionally such as something to the effect "C'mon, he's a lineman, he's not used to catching passes."

5. We had some awesome/funny dude behind us. Stanford fan, drunk as a skunk. I remember after the game and he and Jed had an argument as to which of them was the king. It went something like this:

Jed: (to drunk dude) Man, you're the king.

Guy: No man, YOU'RE the king!

Jed: No YOU'RE the KING!

It went on for another moment or two.

6. After Stanford was victorious, Kirk performed what was probably the first ever Lavell leap into the stands right where we were sitting. I almost knocked a woman over so I could smack his helmet and pads. Totally awesome.

After Stanford won it was like they had won the super bowl or something to us. Complete euphoria. Chambers had returned home and conquered.

Interview with DB Pancake Blocked by Chambers

Recently we caught up with Kansas City Chiefs cornerback Brandon Carr who suffered a major pancake block at the hands, literally, of Chambers last season.

Fan Club: Brandon, what was the first thing that went through your mind when you saw 300+ lbs. of fire-breathing moosemobile bearing down on you like a doughnut-seeking missile?

Carr: Listen, I've been afraid before, but this is the first time I actually wet myself.

FC: Wow! So you're basically trembling in your cleats and then the contact comes. Describe that moment.

C: It was like my whole life flashed before my eyes and then the grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it.

FC: See what?

C: It's like you're floating above your own body and watching it get suspended in slow motion like some rag doll that's been smacked with a baseball bat. Basically, it was sick. As I was coming back down to the ground I was thinking, man this O-lineman know what time it is.

FC: So you're in the air. Then what?

C: It's like you snap back to reality, oops there goes gravity, and you're so mad but the crowd goes so loud and the words just won't come out. I'm lying on my back looking through the tears and wondering if my legs are still attached to my body when I see the replay on the jumbotron. I realize, I've just been posterized, yo!

FC: So everyone knows the rest of the story. You're carted off and sit out the rest of the game. Any hard feelings towards Chambers?

C: No man. Hate the game, not the player, yo. It's all good. I just know if I keep my eyes on number 73 and stay out of his way it's all good.

FC: Thanks and good luck this season.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

29 September, y'all

Here's to Tone. May you live a thousand years.

The following photo essay is my gift to you: it represents the top image results under the Google search for nubbins. I was pleased with how well they matched the unique sensibilities of our aging friend.

Apologies to all who don't get the nubbins joke, but I'm not going to bother explaining it here. Tony gets it.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Which one of you jinxed us?

It must have been one of you! It couldn't have been because FSU was actually THAT much better than us. It must have been because one of YOU did something wrong!

We ALL know that as fans what we DO and SAY, whether on purpose or accident, can either bring good luck to our team (hats, shirts, sayings, rituals, dances, peeing on stuff, etc.) or can JINX our team (bragging about the BCS before the third game starts, mocking the other team a little too much, talking trash, getting 'Max Hall 2010 Heisman Winner' shirts, etc.) And I just wanna know which of you fools went and jinxed us?

What? You say it's me? All my talk of reverse jinxing may have actually REVERSED the reversed jinx? But...but...

Come to think of it... instead of showing off how Max Hall was going to get crushed (a classic reverse jinx move) I was doing how the Florida State guy was going to get smashed at work today...that probably didn't help much.

I also saw a movie with Lesley instead of watching the game (not going to lie, I regret NOTHING!) "(500) days of Summer." really good. Too quirky? Ehh ...but really enjoyable. It deserves a post all its own.

So faithful friends and readers...alas. Don't blame Bronco, Hall, the team, Bobby Bowden, or the media for the loss. You can blame me, and know that in my heart of hearts... I blame all of you.

Friday, September 11, 2009


Holmes was right I did get to go to the Oklahoma game and it was awesome. A friend of ours who works for A&M got some tickets so a group of us went up and had a great time at the game. Our seats were on OU's 5 yard line about 16 rows up (close enough to see Jerry Jones schmoozing with other big wigs before the game). Anyways, National Championship Game tickets are on me as long as you don't mind being transported into the stadium inside of industrial size bags of nacho chips, it's totally legit don't worry.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

What not to do when the president is speaking...

Let's all give a big cheer to Rep. Joe Wilson of South Carolina, for shouting 'YOU LIE!' at President Obama during his speech. You stay classy Rep. Wilson! Hopefully South Carolina will show HIM some love in 2010!

This is just annoying. Disagreeing is one thing, but shouting out during a national televised speech? Ridiculous. Show some respect fool! He's the president of the United States, not some dude running for student body president at your high school.

Is anyone else getting annoyed at the level of bile being spewed by people over this health care thing? For me it's simple, private insurance is too expensive and not available to too many Americans and something needs to be done. All this talk about killing Grandmas and socialism is nonsense. Republicans seem to be bowing down to health care companies and their lobby, and not giving enough consideration to the needs of American people.

Give me some health care congress. YES WE CAN!

Still Trying to Settle Down after Monumental BYU Victory

Alright, I've finally settled down enough after the BYU win to make a post.

For some great pics from the game go here.
To download or watch highlight videos of the game go here, here and here.
To donate your first born son to Bronco and the football program go here.

First, what's up with the BYU defense bringing the pain?!? The longest play from scrimmage for OU was 18 yards? What!?! Mitt Romney! My favorite defensive play was when safety Andrew Rich wrapped up the OU WR and then Jordan Pendleton (OLB) brought the pain and the fumble. Boom! Seriously, it's been since 1996 that the defense has looked this good. Goal line stands, corner backs making great open field tackles, pressure on the QB--I could watch it all day.

Second, I'm pleased the offense still pulled out the win even after spotting OU three turnovers and without Harvey Unga. We left 10 points on the field and still won.

So now that BYU is ranked #9 (what!) here's hoping for a trip to the BCS (and no crappy "realism" comments please--don't rain on this parade)!

Okay, rumor has it Duerden was at the game--rumor as in he told me. Not only that, he also attended the Miami game in 1990. Some guys get all the breaks. It's just not fair. I say Duerden has to buy tickets for everyone to go to the BCS game.

How's the reaction in Sooner nation? Watch this jolly dramatic presentation (a fine variation on the Hitler reaction theme):

Now if only I could watch all of the games. Curse you MWC television contract! (It wouldn't surprise me if wives of BYU football fans have been sending money to the Mountain to maintain the status quo.)

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Why wasn't this around in 2002?

Check these out.

I can only imagine what great things would've been done by our team. What would our name have been? The Swamp Beasts? The Scientists? P-Funkinstein?

How would we have dressed? Business suits? Tin cans? Wombats?

Would there have been break dancing before the game? A boom box maybe? Throngs of banshees and harpies swarming the other teams? Would there be headbands or mustaches, or pants peeing? Maybe five or six assistant coaches?

It's just seven years too late. Frankly, I think the opposing teams would see our ironic demeanor and then be completely floored by our athletic prowess (I'm think more of you other guys than myself here). BOOM! The dude in the seventies Provo High basketball uni just got you OUT! Hucklebuck SUCKER!