Monday, June 30, 2008

Manufacturer's Guarantee

First of all, may I say thank you for all the suggestions. I was very tempted to write plays about Frank Layden, Tim Castleberry, and Twavis and Twoy (In fact, I think I still will write one about the Arnold sisters).

Here's the set up I chose.

1. Character names: Wilhelm and Dynasty.

2. Location: Post Office.

3. Item: CuisineArt.

4. Line: "Have you seen the new Nancy Drew movie?"

I hope there is some enjoyment to be had in reading this.


Manufacturer’s Guarantee

(Wilhelm and Dynasty are in a post office, trying to pack up a CuisineArt food processor while the line around them keeps growing and passing them by. Wilhelm is trying to force the CuisineArt into a box that’s too small.)

Wilhelm: Come on! COME ON!

Dynasty: Have you seen the new Nancy Drew movie?

(Wilhelm doesn’t respond)

Dynasty: (cont.) Well, in the movie Nancy Drew solves mysteries, brings teenage harmony to a small community, and solves world hunger and the energy crisis within a 90 minute movie.

(Wilhelm slams the box CuisineArt down)

Dynasty: Whereas we’ve been here oh…it seems like the same amount of time…and you can’t box up your little food processor…

Wilhelm: It’s been ten minutes, and it’s a CuisineArt, not a food processor.

Dynasty: Who cares?

Wilhelm: IT’S NOT A FOOD PROCESSOR! Cuisineart’s are the standard of excellence in culinary products.

Dynasty: Oh please…

Wilhelm: Don’t push me D!

(A guy walks up to them)

Guy: Uh…you guys in line?

(Wilhelm groans)

Dynasty: No, go ahead

(Guy walks past them)

Wilhelm: Stupid boxes!

Dynasty: Just use the bigger one.

Wilhelm: The bigger one is too big! (Demonstrating as he talks) it’ll bounce around the whole way there.

Dynasty: It’s all ready broken.

Wilhelm: But if it breaks more they won’t replace it!

Dynasty: How will they know if it breaks…more?

Wilhelm: In my official CuisineArt product replacement agreement (he holds up form) I reported that the blade is not up to standard speed. If they get a product that’s all beat up, other than the slow blade we’ll be up the creek.

(Another Guy walks up to them)

Other Guy: Uhh…you guys in line?

Wilhelm: Nope, go ahead.

(Other Guy walks to the line.)

Dynasty: This seems pretty hoity toity. They’ll replace one thing but not another?

Wilhelm: It’s because if we ship it improperly it’ll be OUR mistake, we’ll be to blame for the damage, and therefore THEY don’t have to replace it.

Dynasty: Let’s just get a box somewhere else and do this later.

Wilhelm: NO WAY! If we don’t do this now, it’ll just sit around at home collecting dust, and then we’ll want to make pesto sauce, or guacamole or something, and guess what? We won’t have a CuisineArt. Why? Because we never sent it in, even when we had the stupid thing at the POSTOFFICE! And then you’ll be all cheesed at me because we can’t make guacamole, when in all reality it’s YOUR fault because you wouldn’t HELP me pack up the mother loving thing!

(A third guy comes up)

Guy #3: Uhh, are you guys…?

Wilhelm: Just go dude! Just go.

(He gives him a look and walks to the line.)

Wilhelm: Honestly, you make me so mad. Just help me, and don’t give me any more grief. If it wasn’t for you, we wouldn’t even be here.

Dynasty: What?

Wilhelm: You always put it on the highest speed, even when you’re just mixing something, which wares down the motor making it spin improperly. I told you about this a hundred times.

Dynasty: If the stupid CuisineArt can’t even be on high all the time what good is it?

Wilhelm: I’ve told you, it’s a delicate piece of machinery, but just like you always do, you don’t listen or help, you just do what you want, the way you want. You’re completely inept at doing anything other than what you want when you want and I’m just about at the end…

(She picks up the CuisineArt and hucks it across the room. It breaks into about 12 million pieces. Wilhelm and Dynasty look at other.)

Guy #3: Whoa! CuisineArt’s not gonna take that back.



Could be THE animation achievement in history. Up there with Bambi and Spirited Away.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Could this be the best game ever?

Don't tell my mom that I love this game. It's based entirely on the "F" word. Not the big daddy, but one of his hilarious step children.

Seriously. Play the game. To fly, it's more of a double click. You have to jump and then click the same button and hold. You'll get it.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Three Minute Play Time!

It's far past time for me to return to playwriting. I've been meaning to for awhile, and for some reason I never get around to it. Perhaps it's because theater and plays are, shall we say, a bit antiquated. Or perhaps it's because the Internet with all of it's wonderful media has destroyed my ability to foc... What was I writing about? I don't remember. Maybe I'll watch that Russian dude go ape again.

ANYWAY. As a way to prime the ol' pump I'd like you, devoted Provonian readers and friends, even well wishers, to give me the following info and I'll write a three minute play based on my favorite ideas.

1. Two character names (Like Travis and Trent)

2. A location (Moose's Basement)

3. An item in the location that may come into play or may not (A bong or something)

4. A sample line of dialogue. (Dude, you smell like you've been playing contra for eight hours.)

I'll write the play next Friday and post it, if you want to be considered please comment before Friday June 27th at noon MDT.

Thanks everyone!

Sunday, June 15, 2008

The Patriotic Program and Communism Day

At my elementary school patriotism was important. Every year Westridge Elementary School put on the Patriotic Program and it was a big deal. Each grade prepared songs and there were occasional small group numbers starring people like Annelise Dejesus, etc. The gym was packed all the way back to the cafeteria and there was fancy looking sound and light equipment. To my young mind it was the most important thing that happened at our school. I remember Miss Broadbent would direct us by raising her hand up or down depending on how the pitch of the song changed. My favorite Patriotic Program was in 2nd grade when we painted paper grocery bags as camouflage costumes for our performance of the anthems of each branch of the armed forces. "Over hill, over dale, as we hit the dusty trail, and those caissons go rolling along." "Anchors away my boys, anchors away. Farewell to college joys, we sail at break of day, day, day, day." And so forth. I'm sure those that participated still remember it.

But our patriotic instruction didn't stop at celebrating the USA. The administration made sure we knew just how bad our freedom-hating ideological opponents were by holding "Communism Day." This was our chance to learn what life might be like in a communist country. We must have had Communism Day just once or twice because I only have a few specific memories of it. At lunch you didn't get to choose from the menu--you were assigned at random. And you had to be very quiet in line. I was disappointed to be assigned pizza because I hated the cafeteria pizza. My other specific memory was of recess. Instead of having free play we were forced to stand in a circle and do whatever some teacher said--because everyone knows communists don't let kids play. The end result of all this was me being convinced that communist governments controlled every aspect of their citizens' lives--a lot like in A Wrinkle in Time come to think of it.

The irony of all this is that when Taliatha asked her college roommate from Russia if they hated Americans or were taught how our country was bad she couldn't remember anything of the sort. I have heard however, that kids in China were told to eat all of their food because the poor capitalists in America were starving. Meanwhile we all had Rocky IV to teach us how bad the Russians were. When we played soldiers Americans vs. Russians was not uncommon. Do any of you fellow Westridge alums remember anything else about Communism Day? If you didn't attend Westridge how did your family or community make sure you knew the commies were bad?

Monday, June 9, 2008

The Problem with Facebook and a few random thoughts

With much prodding, mainly from Chris Bentley, I've finally started a Facebook account, and I'm leery to say the least. For every three or four people I'm happy to "become friends" with (Provoian Staff, GVP, Rob Gibbs, Benson, Ryan Dunkleman) their's one that I really don't want to "become friends" with (Big Papa).

There's a great sense of now what-ness to it. There's many people I am now "friends" with that I don't have anything good to say to them. As tempted as I am to say 'Sup dude!' to Kym Olberg or Rhino I'm just not feeling it.

But, Lesley has two long lost friends, and if it weren't for Facebook they would never, and I mean never contact each other, so I see real benefits, I just think I'm far to anti-social and backward to participate too heavily in the virtual mingling. Can't these people just let me stay in my hole?

Other things...

1. What happened to Holme's posts? It was not long ago that I was gently rebuked for not posting. What moving to Kansas? Don't have time to blog anymore? To big?

2. This one's for Benson, how come the economy hates me, and what can I do about it?

3. This one's for Mikey.

It seems like Mikey could play Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton. I also think Mikey would play ALL of Jack Black roles better than Jack Black, he's the white, famous, chubbier Mikey.

Monday Distractions

Because I have nothing better to do (don't tell my employers) and because I care.

Office Worker Goes Absolutely Insane - Watch more free videos

That's because we're brain dead voyeurs and it's awesome to watch a perfect stranger lose his mind.

This is because we need some culture in our lives but don't want to be caught doing it. Here is a clever way of getting your daily dose of nutritious literature under the glossy guise of corporate power points. Sure to fool even the nosiest supervisors.

And this is because we are all sanctimonious b**tards and we love to rub our piety in the faces of those who aren't towing the line.

(Yes, that site is totally real.)

Have a great week, sinners.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008