Monday, June 30, 2008

Manufacturer's Guarantee

First of all, may I say thank you for all the suggestions. I was very tempted to write plays about Frank Layden, Tim Castleberry, and Twavis and Twoy (In fact, I think I still will write one about the Arnold sisters).

Here's the set up I chose.

1. Character names: Wilhelm and Dynasty.

2. Location: Post Office.

3. Item: CuisineArt.

4. Line: "Have you seen the new Nancy Drew movie?"

I hope there is some enjoyment to be had in reading this.


Manufacturer’s Guarantee

(Wilhelm and Dynasty are in a post office, trying to pack up a CuisineArt food processor while the line around them keeps growing and passing them by. Wilhelm is trying to force the CuisineArt into a box that’s too small.)

Wilhelm: Come on! COME ON!

Dynasty: Have you seen the new Nancy Drew movie?

(Wilhelm doesn’t respond)

Dynasty: (cont.) Well, in the movie Nancy Drew solves mysteries, brings teenage harmony to a small community, and solves world hunger and the energy crisis within a 90 minute movie.

(Wilhelm slams the box CuisineArt down)

Dynasty: Whereas we’ve been here oh…it seems like the same amount of time…and you can’t box up your little food processor…

Wilhelm: It’s been ten minutes, and it’s a CuisineArt, not a food processor.

Dynasty: Who cares?

Wilhelm: IT’S NOT A FOOD PROCESSOR! Cuisineart’s are the standard of excellence in culinary products.

Dynasty: Oh please…

Wilhelm: Don’t push me D!

(A guy walks up to them)

Guy: Uh…you guys in line?

(Wilhelm groans)

Dynasty: No, go ahead

(Guy walks past them)

Wilhelm: Stupid boxes!

Dynasty: Just use the bigger one.

Wilhelm: The bigger one is too big! (Demonstrating as he talks) it’ll bounce around the whole way there.

Dynasty: It’s all ready broken.

Wilhelm: But if it breaks more they won’t replace it!

Dynasty: How will they know if it breaks…more?

Wilhelm: In my official CuisineArt product replacement agreement (he holds up form) I reported that the blade is not up to standard speed. If they get a product that’s all beat up, other than the slow blade we’ll be up the creek.

(Another Guy walks up to them)

Other Guy: Uhh…you guys in line?

Wilhelm: Nope, go ahead.

(Other Guy walks to the line.)

Dynasty: This seems pretty hoity toity. They’ll replace one thing but not another?

Wilhelm: It’s because if we ship it improperly it’ll be OUR mistake, we’ll be to blame for the damage, and therefore THEY don’t have to replace it.

Dynasty: Let’s just get a box somewhere else and do this later.

Wilhelm: NO WAY! If we don’t do this now, it’ll just sit around at home collecting dust, and then we’ll want to make pesto sauce, or guacamole or something, and guess what? We won’t have a CuisineArt. Why? Because we never sent it in, even when we had the stupid thing at the POSTOFFICE! And then you’ll be all cheesed at me because we can’t make guacamole, when in all reality it’s YOUR fault because you wouldn’t HELP me pack up the mother loving thing!

(A third guy comes up)

Guy #3: Uhh, are you guys…?

Wilhelm: Just go dude! Just go.

(He gives him a look and walks to the line.)

Wilhelm: Honestly, you make me so mad. Just help me, and don’t give me any more grief. If it wasn’t for you, we wouldn’t even be here.

Dynasty: What?

Wilhelm: You always put it on the highest speed, even when you’re just mixing something, which wares down the motor making it spin improperly. I told you about this a hundred times.

Dynasty: If the stupid CuisineArt can’t even be on high all the time what good is it?

Wilhelm: I’ve told you, it’s a delicate piece of machinery, but just like you always do, you don’t listen or help, you just do what you want, the way you want. You’re completely inept at doing anything other than what you want when you want and I’m just about at the end…

(She picks up the CuisineArt and hucks it across the room. It breaks into about 12 million pieces. Wilhelm and Dynasty look at other.)

Guy #3: Whoa! CuisineArt’s not gonna take that back.



  1. That was great--how did you come up with those sweet character names and setting? I enjoyed that. You managed to create a lot of dramatic tension with a pretty simple set of things to work with.

  2. To make it a true RSC skit it would have to end with Wilhelm punching Dynasty--or vice versa. Even better, you could have Moose come in and punch everyone in the Post Offfice!!!

  3. Wow! That was terrific! Thanks, Tony I was truly entertained!

  4. Right on, man. Keep it up. Especially the one about my sisters. And let's pray they never ever come across this site.

    Are Wilhelm and Dynasty recurring characters from the RSC/PHC stuff?

  5. Wilhelm and Dynasty are just products of my brilliant imagination.