Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Calling all Spring Chickens

I am thirty today. Brandie is already thirty. Tone is thirty on the 29th. I don't remember any others. Sorry.

But here we are. This is that milestone that we've been waiting for, dreading--whatever. It's here and there's precious little to be done about it. It's easy to get caught up in "what might have been." Goals not reached. Money not earned. But let's, instead, take some time to remember what we did do. What we accidentally achieved. And the money we never earned (Moose excepted).

ONCE, we filled a toilet with gasoline and added fire to it in the rose garden at Timpview. When they talk of a 'Pillar of Fire' in the scriptures, that is what I see in my mind. The blaze that night was as beautiful a thing as I will ever see.

ONCE, we went around beating discarded Christmas trees by the curb with baseball bats that we had given girls' names. My bat was Barbara.

ONCE, we got caught by the police bizzing on the back of Moose's mighty automobile. The police happened to be Winston Hill's dad, who was not so angry at us for breaking the law as he was disappointed in Moose, who apparently had the brightest future among us. There was little Holmes and I could do to even get the man's attention.

SEVERAL TIMES, we urinated off the bridge on Carteville Road that spans University Parkway onto passing cars below. I liked to think they could see us up there, releasing our filthy streams that were beyond their powers to avoid.

ONCE, Mikey dove head-first into a plastic cup to the everlasting delight of hundreds of screaming adolescents and a handful of terrified adults. The liability was staggering.

ONCE, Moose and I wound up together at a dance after discovering that we had been mutually and zealously ignored by our dates. We passed the evening making flatulent noises and punching each other in the arms.

ONCE, I almost got suspended for writing a "caustic" rough draft of the Spring horoscopes for The Provonian. There was some vulgar stuff in there, I'll admit it. But it was a rough draft. It made it all the way to the desk of Patty Harrington.

ONCE, Mat almost got suspended for something I said to the whole school during the morning announcements. It wasn't as vulgar as Mr. Ray thought it was.

ONCE, Gorgoth played at the senior assembly and all the jocks started puking blood.

ONCE, we hooked up with BYUSA (so we didn't have to become a club) and put up a rogue comedy show in the varsity theater. Benson and Sanders didn't know that rooming with Homles and Duerden would mean singing and dancing in front of hoards of strangers.

ONCE, Tony murdered a lady. No he didn't.

ONE YEAR, the unity of the whole band was almost dissolved when we invited Dave Stevens to play suit football. There were many others to blame that day for the dissension, but it's easier to blame Stevens (who was never invited back). Sorry, Dave.

ONCE, we got really drunk on vanilla Coke and did the Belgian* up the hill by the Lookout Point Apartments. *The practice of getting totally naked, inserting a lengthy sheet of toilet paper between your... cheeks, lighting the end of said toilet paper on fire, and running like the dickens.

A FEW TIMES, we took our pants down in key places: tardy make-up, the movie theater, Abravanel Hall.

ONCE, Tony wrote a hit play and sold it out for 4 weeks at BYU.

ONE NIGHT, we tried to make a molotav cocktail and throw it at Timpview, but we used motor oil in the "oily rag" and it wouldn't light. And when we doused the rag in gasoline and it finally lit, I was so alarmed I lobbed it a few feet in front of me where it broke and burned on the asphalt of the parking lot.

OUR WHOLE SENIOR YEAR, we ruled at Provo High. Pamrose was the Student Body President, but Mat was the class president and we owned the rest of the Student Government and the Newspaper. Then we had Moose in the athletics, Holmes had a handle on academia, and Tone, Mikey and I had control of the entertainment. Remember how we had Funk Week, threw a Funk Stomp and used a line from a Maceo Parker song as the year's theme? Pamrose, this.

I know there are more events worth noting, but these fill me the pride I need to ignore my other more glaring short-comings. I think it's okay to be 30 when you have a past like ours. And how nice, that we're all still alive and not in prison.


  1. Wow, I have tears in my eyes.

    As a way to compliment, and not take away from the article, I have a few things to mention.

    While carrying the yogurt beast (is that what we called that thing?) to an assembly I heard two dudes who were just about to duck out to Burger King, stop, remember that there would be a 'Star Wars' skit, and decide the assembly was worth going to.

    Kirk's spot on impression of Darth Vader and a cyclops on morning announcements, and Jed, as Captain Diction trying to get the Cyclops to say "A". Our metaphorical birdie finger to Mr. Rutter.

    There's thousands of other examples, but The Extravaganza was one of the most awesome/insane thing I've ever been a part of. From the weirdest Ozark Boy skit EVER, to Kirk's blocking skit, where coach MC was tackled. To driving Sophie IN THE BUILDING, to Mat and Kirk sharing a pair of underpants. Pure, pure id. I think our other shows got cleaner, smoother, much much funnier. But that first show, even with it's 3 hour running time, was really the embodiment of pure joy in theater.

    That and Mikey doing Animal Kung Fu.

  2. ONCE, Gawain Wells came downstairs , I'm guessing to get something out of the storage room, right at the moment that we, with pants around our ankles, were lifting Guido (was it Guido?) up against the ceiling (also with his pants down) while shouting along with Rage Against the Machine.

    Later, when Brother Wells was sustained as my Stake President, I knew I could tell him anything.

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  4. ONCE my friends knew how to keep certain indiscretions secret. Now my posterity will find out all this junk.

  5. ONCE I tackled Tony on the lawn in front of the commons and gave him grass stains all down his khakis. He was pissed.

  6. The big 30! Good luck with that--I intend to squeeze every drop of twenty-something bliss out of my remaining five months.

    Ahh tackling. There was no higher compliment than getting tackled. Girls give each other compliments or gifts, boys gotta tackle. One of my favorite memories was hanging out at the intersection of main hall and C-wing with Tony and Mat (I think that's who it was) and tackling every guy that came by that was a homey. And the birthday dog piles were very special too. The best ever--and maybe we've discussed this before on here--was when Jed got just buried in journalism. "Hey Mrs. Price can give Jed a birthday surprise?" "Sure." Next thing she knew about 15 hooligans pours in from the hallway and mashes Jed. Brilliant!

  7. Tone,

    I had forgotten, or was unaware, of the Mr. Rutter connection with Capt. Diction. Fabulous.

  8. i never had rutter, but i was aware of the "F-U" we were giving him with the captian diction announcements.

    i do remember with a chuckle the birthday tackle in journalism. you guys were drawing anyone you could out of the hall. i remember dave mckinon was in on that pile-- what the? and poor mrs. pierce (it was pierce, right?) thought she had a lawsuit on her hands.

  9. Right that, Pierce not Price. Price was the home-ec teacher.

  10. Bus has crabs?

    I've felt thirty since Lesley turned it two years ago, and let's face it I look about 35, while she continues to look about 26.

    But I don't know, when I actually turn it maybe my mind will break and I'll start wearing my Drama Sweater and listening endlessly to "Under The Table and Dreaming"

    And I don't remember lil' Holmes tackling me and grass staining my pristine white high school khakis, but I can attest that I probably was pissed, and overreacted. Ah, good old days.

    And I didn't know there was any 'doobage' involved in the skinny dipping in the MOA reflecting pool. I can't imagine what lowly janitor had to clean that up.

  11. What a great walk down memory lane, maybe too revealing at times but still good times had by all. Thinking about the Extravaganza made me remember the Green Show we did before some play, a lesser known show but still good memories. Gazelles anyone? Mikey smashing an egg on his head for no particular reason. Also who can forget headlining the seminary talent show, that was pretty awesome, well not really.

  12. Rest easy, Holmsie. My previous comments have been de-posteritificated.

  13. Hah! I would have been okay if you had left it up . . . but it's okay that you didn't.

    Speaking of giving Rutter the bird. Remember how we were absolutely convinced that if someone left a drawing of a hand giving the bird in his mailslot that his whole world would come crashing down around him?

    Rutter: [Pulls drawing of hand giving him the bird from mail slot.] OH NO . . . I thought they loved me . . . but they don't . . .they hate me! [Collapses to floor as a spasmodic, weeping shell of a man.]

  14. Once Mikey saw the post a day late and all of the cool memories were taken.

  15. didn't you guys streak through BYU and have to walk back through apologizing to everyone that - I know Brimhall was involved, but not sure if it was with you guys or not.

  16. Wow. You guys did a lot of stuff that us ladies had no idea was happening. A lot of really amazing stuff.

  17. that streaking thing that brimhall was involved with was not us. we wouldn't have been caught. stupid brimhall and his stupider friends never had a plan. we used to leave our clothes in strategic places for hurried retrieval and as soon as we were dressed, we were the most harmless looking batch of nerds and thespians you ever saw.

    "why would those guys be naked in public?"

  18. So, with Cathy and Smash voicing in, I have to ask if you guys remember a few things. Do you remember one time when you were having a poker night and we decided to crash it a bit. It was at Holmes, and we had water guns and other things, we left a trail of candy from the door leading to the car we were hiding behind. I still remember Tony saying, "Watch, this will be some trap, following the trail of candy. . ."We all started laughing and came out and got you guys. That was fun. i think Clearwater might have even been with us. And then, do you remember that random night in Sara Sorensen's basement when somebody turned off the lights, and we all started tackling each other, and we kept turning the lights on and off and going crazy? I do, and that was fun. They don't involve nudity, so they're somehow less manly, but, who cares?