In a Perfect World...

The Cleavland Lebron's lost to the Boston Celtics tonight. Now for the next two and a half months we're going to hear about whether Lebron is going to stay in Cleavland or jump ship to a bigger market (say New York or Chicago).

I saw a bit of his news conference and was bored to tears by his non-answers to every sneaky way reporters would ask him if he's staying. It would have made my life if this had gone down:

Reporter Jones: Hey Lebron, are you gonna stay in Cleavland?

Lebron: (tears welling up in eyes) Man...I love Cleavland. I love it almost as much as I love my Moms, or apple pie, or America itself. I love it for the fans, and for the food. I love it because I'm from the GREAT state of Ohio, and I'll be DAMNED if I ever leave it. You fat cats in New York, I'm sorry. But you got nothing on me. I'm STAYING BABY WOOOOOOO!

(Lebron rips off his shirt. The reporters cheer. Fireworks go off in the distance.)

Or it would have been cool if he had done this:

Reporter Josephine: So Lebron, any thoughts on where you'll be next year?

Lebron: Well I'm not gonna be in this stinkhole. I'll tell you that. I'll tell you what I want Josephine. Some TEAMMATES! What's up with these guys? I have one bad night and they all wet their pants. There all a bunch of stupid, pathetic, babies, and I'm SICK of changing their diapers. UP YOURS CLEAVLAND! I'M OUTTIE!

(Lebron slams microphone to the ground and moons the crowd of reporters.)

Wouldn't that be nuts? Man...so much better than the innocuous drivel they spout now.